Monday, May 30, 2005

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i don't think we have so arranged life that a man may have a house, a family, love, companionship, domesticity, and fatherhood..we have so arranged life on the other hand, so that a woman must 'choose' ; she must either live alone, unloved, uncompanioned, uncared for..or give up world service for the joys of love, motherhood and domestic service...a broader reordering might ensure that women are no longer forced to make these difficult choices. charlotte perkins gilman

my lover is rather baffled that the idea of motherhood stresses me . i inhabit a place where i'm comfortable making love without exhibiting out of body tendancies..i even allow myself the once in a while indulgence of imagining a child growing in me.

its not motherhood as an institution that terrfies me...its the being a mother to someone that causes oh, i dont know stress unimaginable! i have several friends who are mothers & they express an unastonishingly amount of enthusiasim and pride about being mothers of some child or another.

i wonder what i'd become, once i become one. im not talking physically, with my body and what have you. it's my time. as it is, i hardly have any time to myself..i work a ridiculous night schedule..i have no time to seat and watch the sunset & this pisses me like mad.

my first priority is to maintain a level of sane-ness in an ever plundering mad world. there is a certain vulnerability and fierceness that comes with being with child. for those six weeks, i experienced an amazing level of tenderness & major pissiness to the world.

i want to create. i want to spend crazy amounts of time with myself made company with whatever is churning in my mind. i dont want to feel tied to a matter of life or death i selfish, perhaps..

this could be a mad woman's rumbling in the middle of the night! it's a stage, it will pass he says. our bodies glistering with shed sweat and mingled afterglow. as he trails his hand around my ambilical cord. what if it isn't.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

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Monday, May 23, 2005

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Brazil spurns US terms for Aids help
Sarah Boseley and Suzanne Goldenberg in Washington
Wednesday, May 4, 2005
The Guardian
Brazil yesterday became the first country to take a public stand against the Bush administration's massive Aids programme which is seen by many as seeking increasingly to press its anti-abortion, pro-abstinence sexual agenda on poorer countries. Campaigners applauded Brazil's rejection of $40m for its Aids programmes because it refuses to agree to a declaration condemning prostitution. The government and many Aids organisations believe such a declaration would be a serious barrier to helping sex workers protect themselves and their clients from infection.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

the girl in the picture

The Girl in the picture.

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I want my experience to serve a purpose: I was burned because of war. Today, I want to encourage people to love and help one another. We need to learn how to become more tolerant, how to look at the individual, to listen, to come out of ourselves, to help others instead of letting ourselves get carried away by anger and hatred, which give rise to revenge and violence in the world and don't help anybody.

War causes nothing but suffering. That's why I show the little girl in the picture. Because she tells my story and the consequences that war has had on my life. No father or mother in the world wants what happened in that picture to happen again. I would like to transmit what I have learned to value: I experienced war; I know the value of peace.

I have lived with my pain; I know the value of love when you want to heal. I have lived with hatred, and now I know the power of forgiveness. Today, I am alive, I live without hatred, without the spirit of revenge, and I can tell all those who caused my suffering: I forgive you. That is the only way to save peace, to speak of tolerance and non-violence.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

on how i almost become a mami

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encouraged by the stories of mamita mala & vera drake.

i was twenty one years, eight months & one day old, when i stopped being a mami. it was a beautiful, bright blue skied monday. a day that did not reflect the reverberations of shock at the death of our princess . i , on the other hand, was nursing an even greater shock. a shock too great and intimate to be uttered. for six weeks, my hips had began to widen, my breasts tender & i could smell everything within a one mile radius. my body with no consent of mine was preparing to birth a child. my boyfriend at that time, had simply abdicated our responsibility. & i was left as so many wo/men have, to figure out the next step.

i was in my first semister of college. i had discovered psychology two years back and now was in a program that would quench my interest in humanities and eventually feminism. i swear i don't know where the strength come to pretend to be normal while inside my world was literally expanding. academically, this turned out to be my best semister ever! i was in the deans list and bless my mothers' heart..she had visions of me graduating cumme laude..

i borrowed money from a friend of mine. ( bless her heart) until it happened to me, i had no idea what other girls and women who had this experience ever did. i was so naive. truly. naive. with $30 (Ksh.2,400) i was able to recieve the most unjudgemental and loving care ever at this clinic off ambassandor. marie stopes clinic has been offering subsidized reproductive health services for women in many parts of the world.

i had come alone. i will never forget how alone i felt. never. there is no experience that can articulate, for me, how alone i felt laying across the very cold table, with my legs raised and waiting for the docter to come in. i tried to be brave. i really did. surrounded by the equipment & wrapped around by shame & fear. yet, knowing in ways, i can not explain to another, that this was the right thing for me.

that first pericing and suction. oh goddess.. how my body arched with suddeness and pain. i had not requested for aesthetizia, because i had no money. the docter was stern in a kind way. i suppose he had seen everything there really was to see. the d&c was not a long procedure & its aftermarth, a lifetime upon lifetimes. i went home. & after a day or two bleed to kingdom come.

two or three months later, i become extremly suicidal. i suppose with the mixing of shame, hormonal changes and silence can do that to you. eventually i seeked counselling and that began my love-hate relationship with anti-depressants and psycholotherapists..but thats another story all together.

inshallah, i turn thirty next year. i have matured in ways that continue to unfold. i am appreciative of that opportunity to have experienced a safe & caring abortion. not many wo/men are that fortunate. whether in the developed west or the village back home in africa. with what is now happening to the rights of women to seek correct and safe procedures is scaring to say the least. lets not even forget about the gag order.

for me, mothers' day is for remembering not only this experience..laying on the table.etc etc. it's mainly more about what it means to be a woman in a world that is predominately structed along patriarchal lines. mothers' day, for me is being grateful of where i've come and, how responsible i am in regards to how i live my life. by each experience & by example.

i've struggled as to whever or not im emotionally ready to be a mother. i know i don't have to birth a child in my womb to be a mother, yet, i keep for 2 years now, to toy with this strong desire to be a mother to someone. from this experience, i learnt the need to mother myself first. to really, really be tender with myself. as one would to a new born infant.

& so for this mothers day. to mothers who are, & those who would have been, like myself. i'd like to wish you a sense of renewal of spirit, fortitude and courage. i admire the tenacity and ferociousness of the girl-woman who laid across the table and staring at her fate. i really do.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Madame President

Madame President?
Lillian aluanga
East African Standard
Sunday, May 8, 2005

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The overawing combination of beauty, charm and simplicity belies the person that she is: a politician who has been a thorn in the side of Uganda’s President Yoweri Museveni’s government for the past 10 years. She grew up with the President, fought side by side with him and married his doctor-turned-enemy. Now, she wants the President’s job

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

of eating pawpaws & writing on the blog

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its been three years since my last pawpaw. i feel in love with one last sunday. inside a fiesta themed supermarket with jua kali barbabacue reminsicent of men clobbering metal under the hot sun.brown skinned folks looking for a bite or two.

its been three years since my last pawpaw.

today, my lover ate a pawpaw (papaya) for the first time. he doesn't like it. that to me, is very strange. especially for an island descendant. he thinks its mushy and goey. i for one cannot finish expounding the joys and beauty of this fruit. from its skin ( which is a great cleanser)..the berries that you can use as seeds..the absolute delicious insides..and the branches that give awesome shade.

today, my lover ate a pawpaw for the first time.

with each bite, my ( insydes) sides craved for more. for more sunlight and smiles with mama karanja. outside her kiosk wrapped up in a khanga making chapatis. the hour long lunches filled with laughter and ' nani ngombe na chapati.' i had with stringent purspose stopped dreaming of pawpaws. then mombasa mangoes. or maasai market..

with each bite, my in/sides still crave for me.

the blog no longer is mine. for my eyes or ears and stops of silent despair. ive become voyeuristic like that..the list on the left is indicitive of that..peeping through your spaces..other corners..please comment..does my pain remind you of yours. i began quite literally almost alone. with my synshine friend whispering words of encouragement. i was alone..swept away with grief rescued by words. years before rings of diasporic means..

the blog no longer is mine. for my eyes or ears and stops of silent despair.

Growth in wisdom may be exactly measured
by decrease in bitterness.-Friedrich Nietzsche