Thursday, January 20, 2005

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there are lovers & committed lovers..
[marianne williamson]

almost the month is over and i haven't done the new yr resolutions. it's not that i am devoid of any new desires i'd like to do..simply put, i can't fuckin' believe i'm exhausted & the year has just begun.

last year ended with drama. the man and i are no longer yorked at the hip & it pains me. a great deal. this is like history all over again, ...subtract a few years: i began the year single, heart wrenched. working nights. osciliating between moments of anguish and mania. finiancially challenged & still clinging to hope.

i insist on hope, like then, and now.

i insist that all these has to be worth something. something intrinsic. of value. of purspose. of pleasure. of sweetness. of anguish. committment

im begininning to understand is where all this falls in..separates us from those who finish the race & those who fall on the side walk to begin it all over again..

the time when i was in this place, my valley of immediate singlehood. i was younger and devasted that a lover wasn't feeling the love jones as i had. i didn't understand the male psychic as such. he was a lover that had preceeded a woman i had been with..and there was all these residual estrogen energy hovering around. women for me are special..thats a post for another day..

& so , with mr. lover man, i was engaged in intense healing of the body. stuff that i now recognize a masculine energy would be capable to bringing out. there is that synergy that is translated when men and women embrace..maybe its the possibility of bringing forth a new creation..that tip of magic that hovers around creating a bubble..i learnt with him how to be present in my body. to touch my toes and fingers. to oil the folds of my body as a lover would..& having not been present in anything in my life, the experience was intoxicated..i began to desire security..

i've spent this last couple of weeks figuring out whether intentional heterosexual relations are for me..i like men, no i adore men, like the next woman..but i want it in slight increments..kidogo..kidogo...i also like space, to be with myself..then an ephipany moment.. its no longer about the form by which the love teachers arrive, it whether i can be honestly and completly be present in the moment of love..

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love;
it is the prerogative of the brave.-Mohandas Gandhi


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