Saturday, December 04, 2004

& so another year draws to an end.

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I swear I will not dishonor my soul with hatred,
but offer myself humbly as a guardian of nature,
as a healer of misery, as a messenger of wonder,
as an architect of peace. --Diane Ackerman

& so another year draws to an end. & i'm getting older. i hope wiser & in some degree more inclined to the 'pursuit of happiness.' its that whole turning 28 feeling, ovaries screeching, what have i done with my life sort of feeling..

to a larger degree, its been relatively successful. if measuring success entails resisting the temptation to pour bleech on obasuyi's white, italian leather sofaseats after an infidelity disclosure. repeatedly desiring to hurt oneself. make tangible this overwhelming hurt. smiling even after repeated accussations of being a jezebel. being more broke than having cash in your hand. (term i hear is financial challenged) anyhows, let me start from the beginning...

so, pooky & i are getting more comfortable. i still dont drive on the big road..hehehe, but, i slowly ease on down the road at the sight of the red hiyo ni maendelo! lol

this was a year of coming to terms with death and mortality.

a man whom i've called father for several years died in the early part of the year. grief. my friend..

i cannot explain how devastated his death is to me. i wanted so bad to drop everything in this godforsaken place and go home.

home to my mother and the chokora.

home to the dust & corruption.

home to dreams deferred& takataka sprawled everywhere.

home to matatu and 2nd generation of mau mau..

home. atleast it's familiar..

but i couldn't. i wouldn't bring myself to cash everything and leave. it would claim defeat. that my nostalgia and desire to evolve is a weakness and not a strength.

that i had infact become complacent and wanted the easier way out..

the change of work schedule means i can enjoy the ride to and fro work with relative ease. i've experienced the most amazing sun rises and sunsets.

aha, the love front...

relationships for me are my yoga. i stretch and stretch with muscles i didn't know existed, or have become atrophy. my love teacher, is a gorgious man. you know those guys who feel absolutely fabulous. are young and are still firmed up, their eyes are glistering with possibilities and believe that their youthful exuberance will propel them to the sunset. he is that kind of man, with a wiff of arrogance to boot...

i have not only fallen in love with him, but his boistrious sisters. women who remind me of the circle of love that i stepped out of. women, who even though have rooted themselves in the states, still dream of the continent while pounding fufu..

my friend nappi, once wrote, you cant force someone to love you a certain way, all say how you would like to be treated & thereafter model that behaviour yourself.

it is very, very easy, i have learnt to concentrate on the failings of another. or, on the flip side, blame myself for his indiscretions..(was i sexy enough, too inqusitive, emotional, prozac driven), the list is endless..

yet, i cannot for the life of me continue to keep feeding into the viscious cycle of you did what, i responded to it relationship.. i'm responsible to how i respond to any situation.

i cannot deny the deep sense of betrayal.

forgivness has been my most constant teachings, since the year 1995. whether in terms of forgiving in a personal level ( sexual abuse and rape) to a more global implications (corrupt governments)

why forgive i ask. i think it has to do with setting oneself free. it would be easy to say, hey, i'll forgive the person, once they apologize. usually, it doesn't happen like that.. i mean, one will end up waiting for lifetimes for that..and i can't keep holding to that wish and, thats my mantra: forgivness & the only thing real, in essence, is love...

“Forgiveness remains the only path that leads out of hell.
Whether we’re forgiving our parents, someone, else, or ourselves,
the laws of mind remain the same: As we love, we shall be released
from pain, and as we deny love, we shall remain in pain.”
Marianne Williamson, A Year of Daily Wisdom


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