Sunday, July 18, 2004

                         single black women addicted to retail 
                                     - kayne west. college dropout

yes,it's about time i stepped out & quenched my thirst. this love business is HARD. not that i mind, but aii why lie. i have probbed and pushed and cried and bitched and done not very nice things, and thereafter profusely apologized to myself and most importantly, to the zawadi (gift) & prescence of love. m and i were talking about how we desire our partners to feel passionate about us. the stuff music is derived from. i mean there is one thing, someone profusely declaring their un-dying love and affection & another to come home to a drawn out bath of candles, rose petals and sade. it's at romantic relationships that my neurosis show the most.
you know what i'm saying!
so i've been taking these long out conversations with myself in regards to what i want et al. hence, partly the quote from kayne west..SHOPPING. It's like tumrararum.. violins please.  why didnt i know that shopping can be sooo wonder shopping has this instant gratification esp. when you get sexy cute heels and this is coming from someone who until recently detested anything girlie girly. which goes to show you, one  can never be absolutely too certain about themselves.
each sunday for the last three months has been dressy sunday, like going to church only this time i am heading to the plantation. it began with african dresses, without the wraps and gradually progressed to cute dresses with high heels. i now have pink high heels..who would have thought. i certainly didn't see this coming..hehehe
anyways. so i was thinking about my current fascination (read obsession) with anything girlie girly & i remembered that about this time last year, i was equally obsessed with mens' ties and shirts. strange eh..
so, i thought about it alittle bit more and was reminded of an article i read on the shedding of one's identity by wearing other gender clothes was seen as a way of taking in the characteristics of that gender & giving whatever gender you are in a rest. i was like sweet..i was like mmh, interesting. let me explore this a little bit more. last year, i felt the need to be tough. in control. un-yielding. ma·chis·mo. Function: nounEtymology: Spanish, from macho1 : a strong sense of masculine pride : an exaggerated masculinity.
dare i say, i bought a shirt, got a cool tie from neman marcus and straddled my stuff to work on several instances. i felt very much at home, like one of the guys with breasts and child bearing hips. talk about transformation.. so is this how guys feel wearing ties and no creased popeye with the this too much information (hehehe)
all this got me round away to start thinking of ritual and the lack of ceremonies and celebrations to bridge one from one level to another. & how i feel like in my twisted way im enacted my own celebration and ceremonies along the way. i feel as is with this blog, a way of re-membering myself.
i have felt that love is a way of the ritual.

thanks to majeeda, i found out im a resident of some kick ass depth!

I am Challenger Deep!
Which Extremity of the World Are You?
From the towering colossi at Rum and Monkey.


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